Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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