i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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