That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
