I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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