If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize