I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
