if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you guys were way drunker than both of me
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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