if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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