If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
