he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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