you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
