So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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