I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
