How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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