tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
