I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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