Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
