I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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