I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
