you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize