I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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