just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
