if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
