My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
