god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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