I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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