did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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