it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
