Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
