and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
