I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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