i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
