Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
