I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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