the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
