I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
