Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I need to sanitize my soul.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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