I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
