she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
