i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
