Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
