He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
