Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
