ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
