One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
