Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
