That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
