Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
