Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
