Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
