I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
