He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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