btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
