I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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