So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
