Soap is not a condiment
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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