so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize