JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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