I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
