How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have already put on my inside pants.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize