trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
