I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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