we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
