quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
