I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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