I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
