My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
even my farts smell like vagina
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
